cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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