fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
