i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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