nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
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