i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
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