In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
