Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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