do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
