God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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