um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
