You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
