can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
