He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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