thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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