You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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