he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
