things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
