I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
