explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
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