i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
