I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
