I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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