I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
