I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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