1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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