Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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