He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
