Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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