Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
and i looked up. we had an audience...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
