even my farts smell like vagina
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
