So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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