just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
