The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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