i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
