I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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