new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
