Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
