Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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