Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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