Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
