I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
