Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
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her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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