Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Success! We fucked roommates!
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
