He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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