Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
