Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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