This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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