He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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