I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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