You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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