i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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