Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
