im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
