real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
i permit you to call me
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
