I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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