I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
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i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
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He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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