She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
