Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
