Rock
Scissors
Fuck
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
