My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
