I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
